Sunday, September 23, 2012

When the Sacred is Torn From Your Life and YOU Survive

Held by Natalie Grant (Click here to listen to the song)

She is a christian singer and she sings about the sacred being torn from your life and when it is you will be HELD and you will survive.  

I have listened to this song so many times since my Mother died and every time I have seen the sacred as my Mom when she died of cancer.  But in my more recent transitions of life I have suddenly realized that the sacred that was torn from my life was ME.

The only ME I have ever known for 52 years;  Following when I can, Leading when I have to, jumping in with both feet, staying when I should leave, choosing courage instead of running, giving everything I believe I have to give until there is nothing left, doing tough love when it hurts like hell, feeling so proud of my biological kids and feeling so fearful of my adopted son and his diagnosis and wondering what the future meant for him as well as me.

Seeing the troubles in my second marriage mostly a result of my ex - husband having the same diagnosis lead to me making the only sound decision I finally could make which was divorce.  It truly was the best decision for all of us.  My 2 biological kids who are adults finally got me back and my adopted son finally got a closer relationship with his father that he had been longing for.  Through the joint custody agreement he had one on one time with his dad that filled an emptiness inside him.

When I met this boy I knew there was something different about him that was out of the norm.  I adopted him when I married his father because he had never had a mom because his mother died when he was 4 weeks old.  I wrote about our journey in past posts and you can go back a few years to find them if you want to read about it.  I was very open about it. 

Mostly, I poured out love and did the hardest work as a parent I could have ever imagined.  Then this summer my ex-husband has had changes in his life and is engaged to be married and has asked for full custody of our son.  I agreed because I know it is right but it felt so strange for me as a mother to give up full custody of a child.  And doing "the hard work" is all I have come to know so what did this look like for me now to enjoy life, to enjoy my relationships with my other 2 kids and be able to enjoy a season of life with my adopted son, one that doesn't require so much work.

Suddenly, there was a ME being torn from my life and a month later I was committed to volunteering to staff a seminar/workshop with Klemmer & Associates that my daughter was going to be participating in as a student and it allowed me to be shifted and shed my past.  My daughter got to see me giving love and the best parts of me to others and that allowed her to see it differently than what she saw for 7 years with her adopted brother.  She was shifted also.

Mother's Day 2012, my 23 yr old son, Dan wrote this to me in a card; "You have always shown me to be strong in all situations, no matter how crazy they are.  Seeing you on your current journey makes me finally at peace after what we all went through including divorce with our dad and everything after.  You are a loving Mom and person with a great heart."

More recently as I worried about the changes with my son John taking place I was fearful that he would back slide and lose everything I had taught and given him but the ripple effects of my journey spread to him as well.  I always talk very openly and have gone back to my past only to see where I have come to and how far I have come and to recognize the things that I do not want to repeat.  I have told John that it is alright to look at what is behind you as long as you keep moving forward.  So just a few days ago John says to me, "Mom, this boy in my Sunday School class has Asperger's and he talks out of turn and sometimes says inappropriate things and I realized that I can remember being that way but I don't do those things anymore."  With a huge proud smile on my face I say to him, "No you don't John!  You have come a long way!"

This right here allowed me to shed the last layer of my most recent past and allowed me to surrender to the ME being torn from my life and be fully open to what God has planned for my future.

I am looking forward to the next season of life with my family!

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